Still

Since I haven't written a blog post so far this year, I thought I'd take the chance to do so right now. I used to plan beforehand what I write, but it seems like a lot of my latest blog posts (with the exception of a few) have been kind of random and stuff. This blog post will be one of the random ones.

It's interesting to think that only three or four months ago, my plan was to be in Las Vegas at home right now. Timmy comes home soon, and Logan leaves soon; my plan was to spend time with them during my off-track because I love those guys. In September, I thought that was what would be best for me. That was my plan, and I kind of forgot about it. On the way home for Thanksgiving, however, I started thinking about it again, and I felt pretty strongly that I needed to reconsider my decision and maybe stay in Rexburg for my off-track. I pondered it out, and I felt it was what I really needed to do. The only challenge for me would be giving my little brothers the news; I knew they were excited to have me around.

My little brothers probably didn't realize it, but it was so hard for me to bring that up because I was worried they wouldn't understand. Well, sometimes I forget those guys are grown up; they understood, and they told me that I needed to do what I felt was best. With their approval, I decided to come back to Rexburg with barely enough money to pay my first month of rent and health insurance. Looking back, it was actually kind of risky. I literally spent every dime I owned to pay for those two expenses, and I remember getting here and thinking, "Oh crap. I still gotta buy food!" Luckily, I was comforted by the fact that I did have a job and I did have the opportunity to make some instant cash by donating plasma. It all worked out.

Still, I really struggled the first few weeks here on my off-track. I don't think anyone in the world knew it except maybe my siblings, but the first few weeks of this off-track semester were some of the loneliest times of my life. I was staying busy with work, figuring out what I am going to change my major to, working out, trying to maybe go on some dates, etc. BUT I felt left out. People were always busy doing school work while I felt like I should be working on an assignment or two myself. A week or two passed, and it turned into more than that. I started to think that I had no friends here at school. Even though it probably wasn't true, I had so many nights where I was sitting alone at home thinking stupid, delusional stuff about how everyone in the ward was doing all these fun things without me. (Yeah, dumb stuff like that.)

A few Sundays back I was having an especially bad day and all those delusional thoughts were sticking with me. I was positive that everyone in the ward who did talk to me was just doing it to be nice and not because they really wanted to be my friend. (Again, yes, dumb stuff like that.) It eventually reached the point where I was really hating myself for choosing Rexburg over Las Vegas and thinking that maybe it wasn't what God had in store for me. But I remember sitting there after church that same Sunday after church and just really praying that maybe one person would show more love to me than a simple "hi" or "hey." I was so sick of being lonely; I just wanted to have one positive experience with someone that would maybe give me some confidence and take me out of my delusional, I-have-no-friends mode. 

Again, I don't feel it necessary to say what happened or who it was that reached out to me, but it was definitely an answer to my prayers. And you know what? Ever since I received that answer to that prayer, things only keep getting better and better. It was at that exact moment on that Sunday that I felt so much love, and I was reassured that I indeed made the right decision to stay at Rexburg. It sounds extreme, but as bad as that Sunday started, it ended up being one of the happiest days of my life. 

I guess what I am trying to say consists of two things: First, if you are feeling alone or if you are struggling, never give up! Keep doing what you know is right. Keep praying for the Lord's help and guidance. It may not come in the way we imagine or the way we want it, but I know that it will come because God loves us so much! Second, you never know when you will be the answer to someone else's prayer. If you ever feel prompted to talk to someone or to walk with someone that looks lonely or discouraged, JUST DO IT. You never know when you will be a mortal angel to those who may be struggling.

Thank you for letting me share. Too blessed to be stressed!!